Chapter 8:

"Fuck you Xanga"

Xanga was wanting to delete out stories just because we haven't updated in a year and a half. The next chapter is a work in progress. Yes, it's going to be so fucking good that it took a year and a half to write. Actually, that's a lie.

-Dowell

Vote!

a) Dowell is an asshole

b) Spurlock is an asshole

c) Both of them are assholes

Chapter 7:

Next chapter coming soon, just been busy with holidays and crap. Hold tight.

-Dowell

Chapter 6

“Doing the Infiltration Boogie”



“Alright.” Evan said. “But no ‘you make a distraction while I run in’ shit. We both want in the building, and I’m not helping you unless you help me.”

“Understood. I know just what to do.” said Petey Pete. “Just come around to this alley here, I’ve got a little something to show you.”

Evan stopped. “Woah pal. I think I’ve got a better idea. I’m gonna walk away, you’re gonna stay here, and then when I get home I’ll call the zookeepers over at the Neverland ranch and let ‘em know you’ve escaped, Petey Pete.”

Petey rolled his eyes. “Chill out kid, I’m not a pedophile. Just come look.” He led off and Evan followed behind from a safe distance. Petey turned down an alley and ducked behind a couple of dumpsters. Seconds later, he emerged with a large plastic bin on wheels.

“I stole this from the post office.” he said. “We’re gonna Trojan Horse our way in. You get in, then slip around inside and let me in through the back.”

Evan was understandably skeptical. “So what do I have to do?” he said.

“Just let me stuff you in this duffel bag here and keep real quiet.”

That made the decision much easier. “Oh fuck that. I’m outta here pervert. Maybe next time try putting some skittles down there or something.” Evan began to walk hurriedly away.

“Wait, come on, I really need your help!” Petey Pete called.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? I’m not gonna let some creepy stranger stuff me in a duffel bag and carry me off! You know what Petey, I don’t think you’re cut out for journalism, have you considered joining the clergy?”

“Look, if you wanna get in the building, you’re going to need my help. Just trust me. Here, take this.” He tossed Evan a large pocket knife. “If you think I’m taking you somewhere else just cut your way out, or if I try to rape you you can disfigure my manhood, alright?”

Evan picked the knife off the ground and bit his lip. It could very easily be a trick. Although he supposed that if “Petey Pete” had a gun, he would have drawn it by now. He sighed, put the knife in his pocket, and walked up to the bin. “Alright, now what do I do?”

“Just get in the bag, I’ll wheel you in in the bin claiming to be the mailman, you just keep really quiet and try to act like mail.”

“So what do I do when they open the bag up to distribute the mail?” Evan said.

Petey Pete stopped and looked puzzled. “Uhh, try to escape before they do that.” he said. Evan glared at him. “Hey, worst that could happen is they throw you back on the street.”

Evan was not convinced that this was the case, but he reluctantly climbed in the bin and pulled the duffel bag over himself. Petey Pete tied it off and began to push.

After about a minute of bumping about, the ground softened up and the cart stopped. They were in the building. Or, they were in Petey Pete’s secret child-rape hideout spot and Evan was about to learn just how good he was with a knife.

“Hey you, stop! What are you doing?”

It was a Swedish voice. That was a relief. Kind of.

“Just deliverin’ the mail, same as always.” said Petey Pete. His fake accent was terrible, but Evan didn’t suppose it mattered.

“Mail?” The voice seemed unsure. “Why didn’t you deliver the mail yesterday?”

There was a pause. Evan cringed. “Yesterday was Sunday. Mail don’t run on Sunday.”

“What about the day before?”

“Uhh... holiday. Mail don’t run on holidays.”

“It wasn’t a holiday.” said the guard, suspiciously.

“Sure it was!” Petey Pete laughed. “You must not be from around here, not knowing of ‘National, uh, National Mailman Day’.” Evan cringed again. “Yes sir, it’s a fine day here in America, where we all step back to appreciate the hard work of our U.S. Postal Service workers. Naturally, us mailmen don’t work that day.”

There was a silence. Evan might have described it as a “thick” silence, except he had never understood what that really meant and it had always pissed him off when he came across it in books.

“Well, this building is a part of Sweden now.” said the guard. “You have crossed our border illegally and I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave immediately.”

“Oh sure, no problem.” said Petey Pete. “But surely you’ll let me drop off this mail. Wouldn’t want the fine folks of Fairweather Apartments to miss out on their mail!”

More silence. “Let me ask my boss.” said the guard. He spoke something in Swedish into a radio, and the radio spoke some Swedish back. This went on for about a minute. Finally, Evan heard some new footsteps.

“Greetings, sir, my name is Colonel Gangbang, I’m in charge of this colony. This is private Jonas. We’ll be needing to inspect your mail bag.”

SHIT SHIT SHIT! thought Evan, clutching his knife. He cringed yet again and waited for Petey Pete to say something.

“You can’t do that! It’s private mail! Violates people’s rights to privacy!” he said.

This seemed to perplex Gangbang a bit. “Doesn’t your mail travel in envelopes? We would have to look at it anyway to distribute it.” Col. Gangbang said.

“Uh, nope!” Petey Pete exclaimed. “No envelopes! This is special city wide mail, we don’t need envelopes!”

“Don’t people still need to look at it to see which letters are theirs?” Gangbang asked.

“Yeah, and didn’t you say you were a United States Postal Service worker?” asked the guard.

“No!” yelled Petey Pete, forcing another laugh. Evan was on the verge of tears from the pitiful awkward desperation of it all. “No, it’s all presorted in little packages for each family! And I am most definitely a local postman, not a national chap!”

“Wouldn’t that work the same as just having envelopes?” Gangbang said.

“And doesn’t that mean we can look at it without invading people’s privacy?” said the guard.

“And since when do you use words like ‘chap’?” asked Jonas.

“WELL!” yelled Petey Pete. Somehow Evan could hear him sweating. “You see... uh....”

“Step aside sir.” said Col. Gangbang. Evan felt a pair of hands lifting the string tied around the bag. He clutched his knife and cursed himself for skipping school to deliver a goddamn note. He could feel the hands starting to untie the knot. His heart was pounding intensely. Suddenly there was a loud cry.

“AHHHHH!” yelled Petey Pete. “My heart!”

Evan heard him staggering around. The cord was released. Something, presumably Petey, slammed into the mail cart, knocking it over. There was a loud thud. “Help! Heart attack!” Petey Pete yelled.

Hoping that they would all be distracted, Evan thought now was his chance. Still inside the bag, he began to roll away from the screaming.

“He can’t be having a heart attack! He’s like twenty five!”

“What if he really is?”

“Shit, does anyone know what to do?”

“Uhh, I’ll get the first aid kit. Try to keep him... breathing, I guess.”

“Hey, sir! Are you alright? Can you talk?”

“Why is he making bird noises?”

“Maybe he’s having a seizure too.”

“Did he just yell ‘bagpipe’?”

“I think we’re supposed to stick something in his mouth.”

“No, the Colonel said to make sure he can breathe, that would probably be bad.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Hey, is that duffel bag crawling away?”

Evan cursed again. He heard the guards getting up and running. Evan stuck his feet out the bottom of the duffel bag, staggered onto them, and began to run, blindly and awkwardly, away from their footsteps. The bag was still tied, so he could only stick his legs out about three inches further than his ankles, leaving him no option but to run in a sort of panicked turbo-waddle. He quickly found that there were few things more terrifying that having to run at full speed with no balance in an enclosed room knowing that one could break one’s nose on a wall or pillar at any second. He began to struggle to get the bag off, which proved remarkably difficult.

“Turn right!!!” He heard Petey Pete yell. He skidded to a halt and bolted off ninety degrees to the right. Surely the guards would have him within seconds. Remembering his knife,he plunged it upward and forced his head through the hole it tore. The door to the stairs was ahead of him. He desperately pushed one arm out of the hole in the top and used it to twist the knob. Struggling to hop up the stairs, he began to push the rest of his upper body through the hole, until the bag was just hanging around his ankles, making locomotion almost impossible. He reached the halfway-plateau in the stairs and toppled forward on his face just as the guards bursted through the door.

“Shit!” he yelled, flailing around on his back like a fish, trying to get rid of the bag. The guards rushed up the stairs to grab him. He delivered a solid kick in the face to the guard who had been at the door, who in turn tumbled down onto Jonas. While they lay at the bottom of the stairs clutching their backs and moaning, Evan finally sawed through the bag and released his feet. He dashed up the stairs towards Jonathan’s floor.



“I don’t know alright? At the meeting they just said this was part of some innernational cultural do-hickey. They want relations with us or something.” Chester said. The three men, whom he was beginning to suspect were not aliens at all, were interrogating him. The one called Ping Pong was doing most of the talking.

“Have they been searching the building?” Ping Pong continued.

“Yeah, they were a-pokin’ their heads around a good bit. Probably just lookin’ to steal our guns so we can’t fight back.”

Chuck Norris scoffed at this but said nothing. Flounder shook his head in confusion. “Sweden.” he said. “Why motherfucking Sweden?”

Ping Pong asked, yet again, “Were you, or was anyone else you know of, aware of this area under the building until you stumbled upon it?”

Again, Chester shook his head. “I told ya, far as I know nobody has any idea. ‘Cept maybe that alien creature. You might not should’ve put him back out there, he’ll spread the word.”

“We’re not worried about talking lizards, thank you.” Ping Pong said.

“Come to think of it though,” said Flounder, “that might not have been the best idea.”

Ping Pong stared at him. “Okay.” he said. “Most of us aren’t worried about talking lizards.”

“Fuck you String Schlong, that’s not what I meant.”

“Oh! So clever! Perhaps you’re worried that it memorized the lighthouse blueprints and will market and take credit for them?”

“You piece of shit, shut the hell up or I’ll rip your throat out and strangle you with one end of it while I fuck the other.”

“Why would you strangle me if you’d already ripped out my throat?”

“Mother fucker!” Flounder yelled. “I swear t-”

He was cut off by a quiet, gentle voice from the back of the room. “Flounder?” said the voice.

Chester saw a face peek out from behind the corner. A woman stepped into view. She was very pretty, a brunette with pale but very soft looking skin, and bright blue eyes. Furthermore, she was quite obviously in the very late stages of pregnancy. Flounder’s expression changed instantly. His voice grew softer than a plush teddy bear. “Yes snookums?” he cooed.

“Sweetie, could you keep it down a little? I don’t want the baby hearing all of these dirty words and anger, you never know how much it affects them, you know.”

“Sure thing Julia darling!” he said. She smiled lovingly and walked back out of the room. Flounder turned back to Ping Pong, his tone more calm now. “Anyway, as I was saying, that lizard knows about the hidden passage. I’m not saying he’s gonna spread the word, but he might try to get back here again, might even accidentally lead someone back here again.” he said.

Ping Pong shook his head. “After the smackdown Chuck laid on him, I think he’d rather let the Swedes beat him to death with a sledgehammer then to try and get back here.”

“Still, animals are stupid. It’s kind of a risk.”

“He’s right.” Chuck said. “To an animal, freedom is more important than security. That’s why they get to do shit like rip each other apart with their teeth while we humans are stuck with shit like speed limits and the House of Representatives.” His envy was easily evident. “That thing will be back here in no time.”

No one argued. No one ever argued with Chuck Norris. “What should we do?” asked Ping Pong.

Chuck considered. “We can’t kill it, that would look suspicious. Nor can we just bring it back in here. We need Sweden to kill it for us. Apparently they don’t feel like doing that unprovoked, so we’ll have to provoke it. Flounder, I want you to slip out there and give our friend a little injection, a little something to make it go crazy. Then make sure the pathway is closed off tight and hidden well and get back. They’ll have to dispense with the thing in no time, and it’ll be acting too crazy to even remember our passageway.” Chuck said. Flounder nodded and the two of them headed off to some back room.



“Erik, come in.” said the radio.

“This is Erik.”

“Listen up. Two people just broke into the building. One is a high school age kid, the other a crazy mailman in his late twenties. Search the building, we want you working from the ground floor up. And the Colonel wanted me to tell you that if you let this slip past you too, your ass is canned. Over and out.”

This last bit pissed Erik off considerably, but, grasping the urgency of the situation, be rushed down the nearest staircase to the bottom floor. How was he supposed to identify the trespasser, when the only description he had been given did nothing to distinguish them from the actual residents of the building? Cursing Col. Gangbang, he began to sweep the floor.



Petey Pete ducked into the room. He had run off when the guards took to chasing Evan. His plan was to find a resident to take him in, however there were no rooms on the first floor, and he had yet to make it to the staircase via his system of ducking into room after room, waiting for the coast to clear, and moving on. Surely they would have an organized search going on in no time. He needed to get to an actual apartment immediately. Hearing footsteps in the hall, he glanced around the room for a good place to hide.

He seemed to be in a boiler room. It was hot, but there was no shortage of hiding spots. He tucked himself away in a dark corner and began to wait, but quickly he heard a noise in the back of the room.

Shit! Had he tried to hide in an occupied room? Was it a harmless janitor, or was one of the Swedes in here? He poked his head around a boiler unit to see who he was sharing his space with.

Curiously, a man was wriggling out from behind some pipes. Petey was caught off guard, not having expected to see anyone crawling out of a hole in the wall. In that split second that he hesitated, the man looked up, and their eyes met.

For ten seconds, neither party said a thing. Both were thinking thoughts along the lines of “Godammit, I’m caught, what now? Who is this guy? Should I kill him?”. Finally, Flounder spoke.

“Who the hell are you?” he said.

Petey Pete noted his lack of Swedish accent, and hoped that he would be an ally. Indeed, that would be most helpful if this man knew a secret passage that he could hide in. “My name’s Petey Pete.” he said. “I snuck into the building, I’m hiding from the Swedes. Can you help me out?”

Flounder regarded him like a crazed hobo. “Absolutely fucking not. Get out of here now and don’t say a damn word to anyone about this.”

“Please! They’re gonna find me in no time, I need a good place to hide.”

“What do you want in here anyway?” Flounder said.

“I’m a reporter, I’m trying to get the scoop on what’s going on in this building, but they won’t let anyone in and no one seems to know anything about it.”

“Can’t help you. Get out of here now an-” he stopped, his eyes suddenly fixed on something on the ground behind Petey Pete’s feet. “Slowly... making no sudden movements...” Flounder whispered, “look behind you.”

Petey Pete was a bit worried now. Slowly, making no sudden movements, he looked behind himself.

“AAAAH HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” he yelled, leaping a good six feet in Flounder’s direction, practically into his arms. Hendrix leered at him menacingly and snapped his jaws a couple of times.

“Way to go you fucking moron now they’ll find us both for sure!” Flounder hissed. For a moment, he hesitated. Shouts and footsteps were heard from the outside hallway. “Godammit!” he whispered. “Come on!”

He grabbed Petey Pete’s wrist and practically shoved him into the tunnel. Pushing him through, he followed quickly behind, sealing the entrance just as Erik busted through the door.



Another guard followed quickly behind Erik, who glanced around the room, but knew better than to poke around. That fucking lizard was causing him a world of trouble. “Come out now with your hands up!” Erik yelled, hoping to fake out whoever was in here. Instead, Hendrix poked his head out from around a corner.

The other guard shook his head. “It was just that damn lizard running around like a fool again. Come on.” He tugged Erik’s shoulder lightly, but Erik didn’t budge.

“No.” he said. “This was not just some clanging. I heard someone yell.”

“There’s no one here. Who the hell would hide in the same room with a komodo dragon? If he is here, we’ve got nothing to worry about, that thing will devour him in no time. Come on, you just imagined you heard someone.”

“No.” Erik said. “I definitely heard someone. I distinctly heard someone yell ‘Holy fucking shit’. There is no way that lizard clanging against the boiler made that sound.”

“Erik.” the other guard said. “Come on, your ass is on the line right now anyway, the captain already thinks you’re crazy. Like I said, if there is anyone here, which there isn’t, he won’t be able to stay here for long. Now let’s go, we’ve still got half the floor to check.”

Erik shook his head. Was he going crazy? It couldn’t be. He was tired, but he wasn’t delusional. There was something funny going on in the boiler room, he knew it. Reluctantly, he backed out the door, shooting one last vicious glare at Hendrix as he left.



“So you’ve got to hide me or something, because they’re fucking pissed.” Evan said. Jonathan nodded.

“Yeah sure man. I can’t believe you snuck in here. Were you that damn curious where I was?”

Evan had gone straight to Jonathan’s room, where Jonathan had luckily been there to let him in. Evan figured the guards were patrolling around inspecting rooms at that very moment, but he trusted he could hide himself here.

“Well, that was the main thing, but also, I’ve been entrusted to deliver a message to you.” Evan said. He reached in his pants pocket and pulled out the neatly folded note Jessica had given him. “It’s from your fiancé.”

Too excited to even respond to Evan’s taunting, Jonathan snatched the thing out of his hands and unfolded it as quickly as he could, which was much too slow for his liking, as the paper had been folded by a girl, girls being instictlvely programmed with knowledge of advanced origami techniques that they insisted on using to protect every message they ever wrote. Finally dismantling the Rubick’s Cube security fold, he trembled with nervousness as he read through the letter.



Dear Jonathan,

What's up? Everyone’s wondering where you’ve been the past few days. No one can reach you or anything, its really got everyone like totally sketched out. I can’t help but feel like you’re staying home or wherever to avoid me. If you’re having second thoughts about going to prom and all, that’s alright, I’ll understand if you don’t wanna go with me after all. If I did anything to make you mad I’m really sorry, I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be anything. I really like you and want to go with you, but if you don’t feel the same that’s alright. Just please call me or something, if you wanna talk about it. I hope you’re okay and everything, hopefully I’ll hear from you soon.

XOXO,

Jessica



Jonathan’s head slumped to his chest, his arms felt limp. He had never felt like such a worthless piece of scum in his life. Here he was sitting helplessly in his room while the girl he had wanted to ask out so badly he almost pissed himself sat at home worrying for him and wondering if he had ditched her. He almost screamed in frustration, restraining himself only because he remembered he was supposed to be hiding Evan.

Jessica was worried about him. She was worried he didn’t like her. If this carried on another week, she’d probably give up on him. She’d probably decide he was just an asshole who had been toying with her and then she would hate him. Jonathan wanted to puke. He wanted to go to sleep and just magically wake up with everything all better. He wanted to run all the way to Jessica’s house and tell her everything and apologize. He looked up at Evan.

“What the hell am I gonna do?” he asked.

“Hell if I know, you still haven’t told me what the hell’s going on in this place.” Evan said. Jonathan realized he was right, and proceeded to put Jessica out of his mind enough to give Evan a comprehensible account of the past few days.



“Seriously, do I have to be tied up? Ain’t there at least a dungeon or something I can get put in?” Chester called. He got no response from Ping Pong and Chuck Norris, who were in the next room talking. Chester could hear everything they said, but there were parts of it he couldn’t make much sense of.

“One thing is clear: The Swedes know that we’re here. They’re too stupid to find us, maybe they don’t even know what they’re looking for, but it is us that they’re after, no doubt about it.” said the voice of Chuck Norris.

“It’ll only be so long before they find us.” said the voice of Ping Pong. “That dragon is a bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand, he led that maniac janitor to us, but on the other, he’s probably making it very hard for them to search the boiler room. Soon as they give a good search there, we’re done.”

“That’s a good point, but we still can’t risk letting it leading anyone to us. Time is limited, there’s no doubt about that. We’ve gotta figure out how to get ourselves and our work out of here as quickly as possible. I’ll be damned if the fucking Swedish get a hold of my Lighthouse.” Chuck Norris’ voice was seized with determination. For a moment there was silence.

“Well,” Ping Pong said at last, “we can use the underground path to sneak out data and blueprints and stuff, but we’ll never smuggle the lighthouse itself out. At least, if worst comes to worst, there’s always the clone facility.”

“What?” Chuck scoffed. “They won’t kill us. Certainly not me. They need me to work that thing, I’m too valuable.”

“I’m just saying. If they don’t even know what they’re after, they might not know better.” Ping Pong answered.

Primarily, the “clone” and “lighthouse” bits were the ones that threw Chester off. The two voices were again silent for a moment, until Chuck Norris cut back in.

“What about America? According to the jackass outside, America willingly gave us up. That means they must not know we’re here. What happens if they find out? They’ll be in here in no time, and God knows they won’t fuck around like these Swedish clowns. They’ll torch the place without batting a lash.”

“It’s true. There’s not really anything we can do though. We just have to trust the Swedes not to let the cat out of the bag.”

Then an unfamilar voice came from behind Chester.“Holy crap, what is this place?” it said. Chester struggled to look around behind his back.

“Who’s there?” he called, twisting around frantically like a contortionist with a poison ivy infection. He jerked back hard enough to knock the chair over and slam his head on the concrete floor. “AHH GODAMMIT!!!” he yelled. The scream echoed loudly off the stone walls, reverberating for a solid two seconds.

“Keep it down!” Flounder said in a hushed whisper. “Why is every fucking person I meet incapable of using their goddamn inside voice?” Rising to his feet, he motioned for the new person standing with him to follow him. “Chuck, you’re gonna be pissed, but I’ve got another.” he called.

“Can I at least get a hand?” Chester pleaded. He was ignored. Thus, he lay helpless and awkward, strapped to a horizontal chair wishing he could somehow nurse the nasty bump developing on the back of his head, and listened to the argument that quickly ensued.



Petey Pete poked his head in the door. One man with a slightly crazy look in his eye and wearing a lab coat was talking to another who was... well, there was no use describing him, he was, quite simply, Chuck Norris. Petey Pete followed Flounder in. The conversation the two men had been having stopped abruptly. They looked at him. Feeling rather awkward, Petey tried to give a goofy but reassuring smile, as if to say “Ha! Don’t ask me!”. This smile was met by a pair of hostile frowns that seemed to say “I would not object if you were to step politely out of the room and take your own life right now, thank you.”

Several extremely awkward seconds of this went by, the only audible sound being Chester’s moans of pain from the adjacent room. The silence lasted long enough that Petey Pete began to consider following the frowns’ advice. Finally, amicably breaking the ice like a veteran socialite, Chuck spoke up.

“Who the fuck are you?” he said.

“My na-”

“Nevermind, shut up. Flounder, who the fuck is this?”

“Some dipshit that fancies himself the komodo’s roomie. He saw me come out, then ingeniously decided to notify the whole goddamn building where we were, so I had no choice but to bring him back.”

Chuck turned to address Petey Pete again. “Give me one reason I shouldn’t kill you.” he said.

Petey Pete was caught understandably off guard by this question. “Well, I-”

“Nevermind, I just realized I don’t care. Ping Pong, go get the ball gag and the belt sander would you?”

“WHAT???” Petey yelled.

“Oh, that got your attention did it? Don’t like the sound of that?” Chuck Norris was looming over him looking like a demon-possessed dentist on LSD, speaking in an incredibly intimidating hiss. “Then I suggest you start giving me the answers I want, asshole.”

“But you don’t even let m-”

“Have it your way then! You will at least die a manly death, something a pussy like you rarely gets to do.”

“OKAY!!!” Petey yelled, electing to go for short, concise phrases. “I’LL TALK!”

Chuck made a face of disgust. “Damn, you are a pussy...” he said, shaking his head. “What’s your name?”

“Petey Pete McPeterson.” Petey Pete squeezed out as quickly as possible.

“And what the hell were you doing in the boiler room, Pussy Puss McPunani?”

“Hey come on.” Petey said, objecting to the nickname.

“It’s basically just a gender swap.” Ping Pong pointed out. Petey begrudgingly accepted the truth of this.

“I was hiding from the Swedes. I’m a reporter, I broke into this building hoping to get the real scoop on what’s going on here, and I was hiding in there when your friend found me.” he said. He tried to tune out Chester’s moaning noises as he awaited a reaction from Chuck, who was looking him over suspiciously.

“A reporter, you say?” Chuck asked, as the look on his face, unbelievably, became now even more menacing.

Petey tried desperately to think up a better answer, but the only job that was coming to mind, for whatever reason, was “hippopotamus”, which he didn’t think Chuck would be fooled by. Therefore, all he said was “Er, yeah...”

“Well, Mr. Reporter,” Chuck said, beginning to slowly circle him in a tortuously unnerving way, “looks like you’ve stumbled upon quite the story, huh? Yes indeed, I bet you can’t wait to run home and type up the story about the secret underground lab creating a remarkable new cyborg life form that will change the world as we know it, can you?”

“Umm... what?”

“Oops! Did I let that slip? Damn, looks like I’ve got no choice but to kill you now!” Chuck said.

“What? That’s not fair! I didn’t even hear what you said! Can I just go?” Petey Pete pleaded in desperation.

Chuck laughed. “I’m just fucking with you, Pussy Puss. Matter of fact, it’s looking less and less likely that we’re gonna come out of this alive with our work still our own, it might be very much to our advantage to a have a professional to record the story, with all the right facts, the way we know it, before the government comes along and slanders us as traitors. Yes indeed... Mr. Petey, if you can be trusted not to try and run off or lead anyone else here, you can have your story, we’ll assist you however we can!”

Somehow, Petey Pete had not really grasped most of what Chuck had just said, his mind still grappling with whether or not he was about to be sanded to death. “Uh, muh...” he said to kill time while his mind wrapped its self around the finer points of Chuck’s proclamation. “So... you want me to write a story about you?” he said incredulously.

“Story?” Chuck said, apparently bewildered. “No, I was thinking more along the lines of an italian sonnet. Dipshit.”

Petey Pete was unsure of how to respond to this, so he just said “Okay... great!” and smiled hopefully, while his mind continued to grapple with the fact that he was not about to be brutally murdered in a secret basement.

“Excellent! We’ll get started soon, Ping Pong and I still have some business to attend to. Flounder, would you mind checking in on our friend in the other room? He seems to have fallen unconscious.”



“Jonathan?”

“Uh oh.” Jonathan said. “My mom’s back.” He and Evan were sitting in his room, discussing the situation at hand. The door opened up and Jonathan’s mother poked her head in.

“Jonathan can y- oh, hi Evan.”

“Hello Mrs. Leukemia!” Evan said.

“The name is Morrison. How ever did you get in here? Have they set up the customs office already? I must say, these Swedes are proving to be twice as competent at running this place as that Chester fellow.”

“Actually, Evan snuck in.” Jonathan said.

“What?”

“Yeah. He came to help me out, now he’s hiding from the Swedes.”

“They’re probably searching the building now.” Evan put in. “I won’t be around too long, but can you hide me here just a while?” he asked.

“Oh... Evan I think you should go home, illegal immigration is a serious problem...”

“Mom!” shouted Jonathan. “This building is not a part of Sweden! Don’t listen to their bullshit!”

“Jonathan! Watch your mouth!”

A knock came from the front of the apartment. Jonathan and Evan exchanged glances. “They’re here.” Jonathan whispered. He and Evan both looked up imploringly at Jonathan’s mom.

A look of worry and uncertainty came over her face. Finally, she said “Oh fine.” and motioned for Evan to get into Jonathan’s closet, which he quickly did, praying that this would work a little better than the last time he had tried to hide.

Jonathan answered the door.

“Greetings.” said Jonas. “We are looking for an extremely dangerous foreign terrorist. I must conduct a thorough search of your apartment.”

Something told Jonathan that a thorough search would probably include a peek into the closet. “What?” he said. “That’s an invasion of my privacy. Let me see your warrant.”

“My what?”

“Warrant. You have to have a warrant to search someone’s residence.” Jonathan said.

“That is a U.S. law. You are Sweden now. We don’t have warrants.”

“Well not having warrants doesn’t exactly qualify you to search my apartment, does it?” he said.

Jonas seemed to have trouble following this. “Huh?” he said.

“Come on. Just because Sweden doesn’t have warrants doesn’t mean I should just let you in. Serial killers don’t get warrants, but that’s for a good reason. They’re serial killers. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in here just because you don’t have a warrrant, I have my family’s welfare to consider.”

“I must conduct a thorough search of this apartment.”

“Yes, you told me that, but I’m telling you, far as I know, you’re a wacko. I really can’t let you in.”

Jonas pondered this for a moment. Jonathan couldn’t believe it was working. Finally, Jonas said “No.”, lightly brushed Jonathan aside, and began searching the apartment.

“Dammit.” Jonathan said. Jonas began poking around the kitchen, searching a lot of really stupid places like the cupboards and trash cans.

“Hey pissbag, what are you doing in my kitchen?”

Jonas turned to see Jonathan’s little brother, Brian glaring at him. He smiled wide. “How are you little fellow? Im here to make sure there are no scary people in here, we want you all to be safe!”

“Bullshit, you’re trying to keep us down.” Brian spat back. “Pack your Swiss bullshit up your ass and go back to the Netherlands.” he said. Despite the kid’s misguided notions of geography, Jonathan had never been prouder to have him for a little brother. “Cocksucker!” he shouted. Apparently liking the sound of this word, he began jumping up and down and making circles around Jonas, shouting “Cocksucker” over and over, louder and louder. Soon, Natalie emerged from her room, immediately discerened the key points of the game, and began following Brian around, shouting “Cocksucker” along with him. Brian decided to up the ante a bit by deliberately slamming his feet down on Brian’s toes as he skipped around. Natalie thought that this wis hilarious and followed suit.

Jonas had no idea what to do. He stood helpless while the two kids skipped around berating him. Jonathan’s mother emerged from Jonathan’s room. “Oh my goodness! You watch your mouths, both of you! What has gotten into this family? I’m so sorry, officer!”

The kids stopped and just stared. Jonas tried to laugh, but was in fact too appalled to really pull it off. “It is okay.” he seemed anxious now to leave. “Have you seen any intruders?”

“Intruders? Can’t say that I have!” she answered.

“None but you cocksucker!” Brian yelled, leading both children into a short but whole-hearted reprise of the game.

“Stop that right now!” Jonathan’s mom shouted. “Go to your rooms!”

“You know,” Jonathan said, deciding to seize the moment, “I think I saw those stoner dudes down the hall with some other kid, maybe you should check there.”

“Thank you.” Jonas said, smiling unconvincingly as he made his hasty departure.

They all watched with great satisfaction as Jonas disappeared down the hallway. “You see?” said Jonathan’s mom, “we can get through anything, we just have to do it as a family.”



“Sit down Erik.”

Again, Erik had been summoned to Col. Gangbang’s office. Again, it did not look pretty.

“Let me cut straight to the point. Your fellow officer whom you were conducting your search with has brought to my attention that you display some signs of instability, possibly to a degree which would render you unfit to perform your duties as an officer in this army.”

“What?” Erik said. “That’s ridiculous sir, I assure yo-”

“Please, not now. Is it true that you, and you alone, insisted that you had ‘distinctly’ heard the words... ‘holy fucking shit’, screamed from a boiler room which then proved to be empty, aside from the komodo dragon?”

“Sir, there was no mist-”

“Yes or no, Lieutenenant?”

Erik was furious, but held his tongue. “Yes sir.” he said.

“And is it also true that, immediately following this incident, you insisted that you also heard someone scream ‘godammit’, also from this same boiler room, which you knew, having been there thirty seconds earlier, to be empty?”

“Sir, there is something going on in that boil-”

“Erik I don’t want to hear your conspiracy theories.” Gangbang said forcefully. “I don’t know if there is some chemical in that room that causes you to hallucinate that you hear voices and that hundred pound lizards have disappeared, but the evidence makes it clear that you are unfit to be representing our military. You are suspended from duty until further notice.”

“What? Sir this is ridiculous!”

“I’m sorry Erik. You know we need every man we have, but I simply can’t run the risk of having you in the field. It is my hope that these incidents reflect merely a lack of rest and a feeling of culture shock from the sudden change in environment, and that you will be able to return to your duties after some time off. Until then, I suggest you try to relax and calm your nerves.”

Erik was speechless. He wanted to jump out of his chair and beat the shit out of Col. Gangbang, but all he did was rise, glaring furiously, and storm out of the room.

“And stay away from that boiler room!” Gangbang called after him.



-Spurlock

/*What should Erik do?

* A) Go to the boiler room and get to the bottom of this madness!

* B) Go to Jonathan’s room to try and get help, or at least whine about his life.

* C) Switch sides and work against Sweden

* D) Go chill, relax, hope all the strangeness passes and return to work in a week or two

*/

Chapter 5: Old Friends From The Future

After a hearty 45 minutes total of sleep, Erik found himself front and center opposite of Colonel Gangbang’s desk, standing at attention. He had just given his reports on the happenings of the night before such as hunting for the komodo dragon with Dave and Doug and then investigating the mysterious shotgun blast heard clear through the first few floors. Colonel Gangbang didn’t seem to satisfied with the report due to it’s lack of closure and Erik’s failure to produce any results of his findings. “So you could not find out anything about the shotgun that was fired, such as where it came from and who fired it?” Erik’s head sank a little. “No, sir, I found nothing.” Colonel Gangbang got up from his chair and began pacing back and forth in front of his desk. “And what of the whereabouts of Chester ? It would seem that he has completely disappeared. Nobody has found any clue whatsoever on where he could be. We have surveillance cameras at every entry and exit point in this building and they have seen nothing either. But one thing is almost certainly positive, Chester is not in this building I’m sure. Chester is a resident on the floor in which you are in charge of, therefore I am holding you personally responsible for this whole mess.” The Colonel was now walking circles around Erik, eyeing him over carefully. Erik could feel his eyes all over him, scrutinizing every ounce of his being. “We cannot have residents escaping under my watch, Lieutenant Erik, especially those who we feel know certain things. Chester was the superintendent for this apartment complex and we were keeping a profile on him. He may have been very crucial to our findings, more so than any other resident. You have let me down in the worst possible way Erik and I am very disappointed. Given your outstanding record in the past, I have decided to be somewhat merciful on you. I will not take away your duty position nor strip you of any rank. But you will be closely monitored by me personally. We can not afford any mistakes like this. I do not want to hear about the slightest mishap coming from you or your men. Make no mistake and be alert. You were one of the last ones I’d expect something like this from.”

 

The words hurt Erik and he couldn’t shake the lingering cloud of failure from over his head. He saluted and stepped out of Colonel Gangbang’s office. Over and over he thought about what happened last night. He followed all the proper procedures and all the things that went wrong were beyond his control. If nobody else could find Chester , including the security cameras, it was unfair that Erik should bear the blame for everything. If it weren’t for those stoners and their komodo dragon, none of this mess would have happened at all probably. Erik made his way to the elevator. He pounded his fist on his floor button and the doors closed. As the old elevator slowly creaked its way down the floors, the speaker box in the corner was playing a light jazz version of Margaritaville. As he stood there, he found himself humming along. Once he realized he was humming, he immediately stopped and fixed his mind back on his duty. Now wasn’t the time to be relaxing and listening to music, it was time to get back on track and fix this awful mess. First and foremost he would have to find Chester . Since nobody was found dead or wounded from the mystery shotgun blast, he couldn’t care less where it had come from. As for the missing komodo dragon, the longer it stayed missing, the better. The elevator stopped and Erik got off. The first thing he was going to do in regards to finding Chester was to see if his wife knew anything. He only hoped to God that she would be wearing close when she answered the door. He walked down the hallway and past his room where he thought of his bed sitting there alone and empty and how much he would love to accompany it at the moment. But sleep deprived or not, he had a job to do. He stood in front of Chester ’s door and knocked. As he heard foot steps draw near, he began to pray that she was dressed. He heard the chain unlatch and the door opened. Much to his relief she was indeed wearing clothes, very unappealing clothes, but clothes nonetheless. She was wearing a tattered night gown and flip flops. Her hair was rolled up in curlers and she was smoking a cigarette. “You again? What is it you want from me? Jus’ because ya seen me neck’ed, you think you can come around here and get a little action do ya? Well think again bub, what kinda woman do you think I am? Well I ain’t gonna give it to ya so easily but I think I’ll make an exception for you. You’re kind of a cute one. But I’m gonna make ya work fer it.” Said Chester ’s wife. Hearing those words come out of that yellow tooth-filled mouth made Erik want to hurl. “Ma’am, please, I’m here about your husband. It is important I find him. Do you know where he is?”

 

“My husband? What’s a good boy like you looking for a good fer nothin’ like him? I ain’t got no clue where he gone. Probably out looking for them rats some more or out all night playing poker with some of these other low-lifes in this buildin’. You wouldn’t happen to have been playing poker with him would ya? Lemme guess, he owes ya money and now he’s run off hiding. Well you ain’t gonna get any money out of me, no sir! But maybe I might be able to work the debt off for him if you’d like. Step inside and maybe we can come to some kind of agreement.” The wrinkly old hag winked at him and a cold chill shot up Erik’s back. “No ma’am, I’m not looking for money and I’m not looking for… companionship either.”

 

“I knew it, you really are queer as a blue cow! Guarantee ya, five minutes with me and I’ll straighten you back out, whadya say?” These horrific mental images that wouldn’t stop conjuring up in Erik’s mind were becoming unbearable. “MA’AM, PLEASE! Do you have any idea of the whereabouts of your husband? Yes or no?”

 

“Fine fine, ain’t no need to get all in a fit over it. You wanna be queer then go fer it. But to answer yer question, I ain’t gotta clue where he is. Probably off actin’ a fool somewhere. Ya happy now?”

 

“Thank you ma’am, that is all I needed to hear.” Chester ’s wife began to lick her lips. “You’re welcome son, but don’t be a stranger now. Anytime you wanna switch back over to the right team, come on over and I’ll setcha straight.” Erik just turned away and kept walking down the hall giving no response. If Erik had wanted to sleep before, he certainly didn’t anymore. “Hmph, fuckin’ faggot. He’ll be back.” The door closed and the chain was latched. Never before had Erik felt he so badly needed a shower. That had been a complete waste of time and Erik was no closer to finding out where Chester had gone to. Who else could he question? Dave and Doug wouldn’t know anything. Even if they did, they were too burnt out to recall. They would be an even less reliable source. Suddenly Erik recalled the one and only tenant who hadn’t made his life a living hell, Jonathan Leukemia. He made his way too the end of the hall where Jonathan’s residence was. Jonathan had been up since the early morning trying to figure out a plan to catch the Swedish militants in a violent and threatening fashion in order to take a picture and hopefully use it to spread awareness of what was going on in this building. In the midst of his planning, Jonathan heard a knocking at the door. He looked over at the clock. “Who the heck is here this early in the morning?” He went over and looked through the people. ‘It’s that Erik guy,’ he thought to himself. ‘what could he possibly want?’ Jonathan opened the door. “Hey, what’s up? Isn’t it kind of early for your patrol?”

 

“Oh, I’m not here on patrol. I was just wondering, you wouldn’t happened to have seen Chester around by chance, would you?” Jonathan shook his head. “Nope, can’t say that I have.” It was as Erik expected. He didn’t really think Jonathan would know anything, it was just an excuse to have a little company. “That’s ok. Soooo, how are you this morning?” Jonathan felt a little awkward and suspicious. “I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. How are you?”

 

“Oh me? I’ve been better I suppose. I’ve run into a little setback but nothing to worry about.” Erik started to clear his throat. “You want a drink or something?” Jonathan suggested, hoping that was the reason he stopped by and that he would leave afterwards. “Sure, thank you.” Jonathan started to head for the kitchen but noticed that Erik was following him. It was getting a bit too weird for Jonathan but he tried his hardest to remain polite. He grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the faucet. He handed it to Erik and he gulped half of it down immediately. “Ah, thank you. Much better.” He gave the glass back to Jonathan and Jonathan put it in the sink. There they were now, standing in the kitchen, neither saying anything, just looking around. It was growing very uncomfortable for the both of them. “So Jonathan, how are you doing?”

 

“Well, I could be better to be honest. I’m still pretty angry about missing prom and what’s worse, I can’t get a hold of Jessica to even tell her what’s happening.”

 

“Did you not call her?”

 

“I can’t, the call will cost more money then I’ve ever had in my life, and that’s for the first minute! She probably thinks I’m trying to stand her up now.” Erik started to feel bad. He was part what was ruining the young life of Jonathan. Of course there were far more important things going on then some high school prom but he was just a kid and it was important to him. Now he was feeling lower than before. “Well surely you can go to prom next year. You still have a few more years of school left, there will be more proms.” Erik suggested, trying to make Jonathan and himself feel better. Jonathan signed. “Yeah, I guess. But probably not with Jessica. I wouldn’t care about going at all if I wasn’t going with her. And it took me a really long time to finally ask her out. I really like her and now I blew it.” Erik was feeling like a real scumbag now. They were really quiet again and Erik was struggling to think of something else to talk about to lighten the mood. Just then, Jonathan’s younger brother came walking in the kitchen. “Hey there little guy, how are you?”

 

“Cram it, fuck slut. Go suck a ass!” The little kid opened the cupboard and pulled out a box of cereal and sat at the table. Erik was stunned. “That’s my little brother, Brian.” Said Jonathan. “Don’t mind him, he has tourette’s syndrome. I wouldn’t take it personal. He hasn’t taken his medication this morning.”

 

“I see.” Said Erik, still a little shocked by the small child’s vocabulary. After that, Jonathan’s younger sister, Natalie, came running in and sat down at the table also. She grabbed the box of cereal from Brian and the two began to squabble. “I want the prize, you got it last time!” cried Natalie. “Fucking goddamit, I called the shit fuck prize first fucking shit.”



“It’s my fucking prize!” Natalie snapped back. At this point, Jonathan intervened. “Hey, knock it off you two. It’s Natalie’s turn to get the prize and Natalie, you don’t get to use those kind of words, you don’t have tourette’s syndrome. I’ll tell mom if you do it again.” Jonathan poured them both cereal and when the prize fell out, a little plastic whistle in the shape of a banana, he snatched it and put it in his pocket. “You can’t have it until you finish eating though.” Natalie gave a pouting face but sat there and started eating the cereal. It was at that time that she finally noticed Erik who had been standing there the whole time. “Who are you?” She asked. “My name is Erik, I am in charge of this floor.” She shoveled a spoonful of  cereal in her mouth and kept talking. “Are you one of the army guys?” Erik shook his head. “Yes I am, you are very observant for a child.”

 

“I want you to do me a favor and go down the hall and shoot Caitlyn her mom.” Erik was shocked to hear such a request from a small child. “But why would you want me to do something horrible like that?”

 

“Because she used up my glitter marker and now it doesn’t glitter anymore. We’re not friends anymore and I don’t like her mom because she’s fat and yelled at me because I pulled her cat’s tail.” Erik laughed. “Well I’m sorry but I can’t go shoot somebody because of that.” Natalie got upset and flung a spoonful of cereal on Erik’s pants. “Well I hate you too!” Erik bit his lip. He had just got this uniformed pressed too. Jonathan ran over and took the spoon from her. “You little brat, now you’re not getting the banana whistle.” Natalie started to cry. “But it’s miiiine! She hollered. “Well not anymore.” Said Jonathan. “I’m keeping it. See?” He pulled the banana whistle out of his pocket and started blowing on it. “You just lost it and now you get to watch me enjoy my new banana whistle.”

 

“No, give me the fucking banana whistle you asshole!” Brian yelled, making a grab for the whistle. The three of them began to quarrel and yell until Jonathan’s mom stepped in. “What is going on!?” She demanded to know. Everyone fell silent and Jonathan’s mom looked over to notice Erik standing there, watching the chaotic display for the ownership of a banana whistle. “Oh, hi, I didn’t realize someone was here. Sorry about the kids, they’re crazy in the morning.” Erik smiled. “That’s ok, I know how kids are. It’s good to finally meet your whole family, Jonathan.”

 

“Yep, my family…” Jonathan said. Just then he came up with a crazy idea for causing trouble. And with Erik around to witness, he knew he would get the kind of response he wanted immediately. “That’s right, my family… which I’m taking hostage!” Jonathan reached into the nearest drawer and grabbed the first sharp thing he saw. He held it up a few inches from his mom’s face but then realize he had grabbed a pizza slicer. Realizing how ridiculous he felt, he decided it would have to do. “Jonathan, have you lost your mind? What are you doing?” his mom asked with a look of confusion on her face. “I’m taking everyone hostage, mom.”

 

“Put the pizza slicer back and knock it off.”

 

“No, I’m serious, you’re all my hostages.” Everyone was looking at Jonathan very perplexed. Erik just sighed. The one person who he thought was sane in this building had just gone insane with a pathetic attempt to hold his family hostage. “Are you serious?” Asked Erik. “You’re really taking your family hostage with a pizza slicer?” Jonathan was getting anxious and nervous. “Yes for the last time.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because…. Because… ummm…. I just am! And you can’t stop me?” Erik’s head sank. “Ok then, so what are your demands.” Another question Jonathan wasn’t prepared to answer. “Um, nothing. I can’t be reasoned with.” Erik looked at his watch. “This is going to be another long day. I don’t want to deal with this. I need to get coffee, I’ll get Jonas in here and he can deal with it.” Erik walked out of the kitchen and out the door. “I think it worked.” Said Jonathan. He lowered his pizza slicer. “Jonathan!” his mom scolded. “What on earth has gotten into you?”

 

“It’s part of my plan, mom. I need to cause trouble and get a bunch of those Swedish guys to come in here with guns so I can get a picture of them. Then, after I have the picture, I can put a note on it and drop it out the window that says we need help. If it looks like we are in danger here then the US government would have to do something about it. Then they’ll all go back to Sweden and I can make it to prom. Quick, I need a camera.” Jonathan grabbed his mom’s purse that was sitting on the coffee table and he tore through it, dumping everything out and unzipping every pocket. Finally he found a camera and stood in front of the door, waiting for the backup forces to arrive. “I hope you’re planning to put all that back in my purse when you’re done.” Said his mom. Jonathan ignored her, this was far more important than the mess he just made. He heard the footsteps of a small group of people approaching his door. There was a knock at the door. “This is the Swedish authority, please open up or we will have to force ourselves in.”

 

“Go ahead.” Yelled Jonathan. He braced himself for the door to be kicked in but instead they just turned the handle and came in. There were three of them and they were all in uniform. Jonathan snapped a picture immediately and they all flinched at the flash. “I got the picture, haha!” proclaimed Jonathan. Before he could celebrate though, he noticed that none of them were armed, not even with clubs or anything. “That hurt my eyes.” Said Jonas. “Stop that.”

 

“Where are your guns? You’re supposed to be in here with assault rifles and stuff.” Complained Jonathan. “Who said that?” asked Jonas. “We don’t have guns.” Jonathan was confused. “But, but I’m holding my family hostage.”

 

“Well stop that too. Lieutenant Erik was mostly concerned about the noise level. He sent us here to tell you to please keep it down and be considerate of your neighbors.”

 

“If I keep yelling will you bring guns?”

 

“I told you, we don’t have guns.”

 

“Of course you do, you were all carrying them the first day you got here.”

 

“Those guns only shot bean bags and they took them away from us after the first day. Now they’re locked up in a closet somewhere. Enough with this, settle down and behave. You can continue to play your hostage game but keep the noise to a minimal. Thank you.” And with that, the three unarmed men left the apartment. “Well that plan was no good. They’re not even armed. How can I make it look like we are in danger when they don’t even carry clubs or anything?” Jonathan’s mom took her camera from him and put in back in her purse. “You need to calm down, they’ve already made it clear that they’re not going to hurt anyone and if you give it a little time, everything will settle and life will return back to normal. It’s only been a few days so of course things are going to be hectic. But in the meantime they are taking very good care of everybody and keeping the building up much better than Chester ever did.”

 

“But prom…” Jonathan protested. “I’m sorry Jonathan but I don’t think you’re going to be going to prom this year. There’s always next year, it’s no big deal. Soon they’ll have all the border laws figured out and you’ll be back in school like normal.” Jonathan was getting fed up. There had to be a better way to go about getting rid of the Swedish and he was going to find it. He gave the banana whistle to Natalie and headed to his room to think of something else.

 

About this time, Chester was coming to. He opened his eyes and realized that he had been tied to a chair. He was sitting in the corner and it was rather dark in the room. “Oh no, the aliens have tied me up. Maybe they think I kidnapped their prince!”

 

“We’re not aliens you babbling old fool.” Said a voice. “Who’s there? What are you gonna do with me?” Chester demanded to know. “We’re not sure yet.” Said a different voice. “You stumbled upon our secret and now we can’t let you go, especially with those Swedes crawling around all over the place.  We’re not sure what they want but we think you might have some answers for us.”

 

“Where is this place?” asked Chester . “You’re far, far, far underground.” Said the first voice. “What is it that the Swedish want? Why are they here?”

 

“I don’t know for sure. They said it was some sort of exchange program but the whole thing seems fishy to me. I honestly don’t know.”

 

“What do you think, Ping Pong? You think he’s telling the truth?”

 

“I don’t know Flounder, he might be. But I find it awfully suspicious that he managed to snoop us out. He had a shot gun and a komodo dragon, I’d say he was trying to find something. Let’s see what the boss says.” Suddenly the lights cut on. It took a moment for Chester ’s eyes to adjust to the light but when they did, he saw to men in lab coats standing at the opposite side of the room. It was an empty white room made of brick. It was very cold too. The two men walked out the door and Chester was left all alone. He was nervous and frightened, he had no clue what was going on, who these strange men were, and what they were doing underground. A moment later another man walked through the door also sporting a lab coat. This man had a real thick beard and was ruggedly handsome. He walked up to Chester and stopped. Chester wasn’t sure if his eyes had adjusted yet or not because he couldn’t believe who he was sure he was seeing. “Y-you’re... Ch-Ch-Chuck Norris!”

 

“Nevermind who I am. You’ve landed yourself in a heap of trouble old timer. What you’ve stumbled upon and what you may or may not know could put the entire world in jeopardy.”

 

“I used to idolize you as a young man. I remember you became a scientist and vowed to end world hunger. Then all the sudden you vanished one day and nobody ever knew what happened to you.”

 

“You’re right, I did vanish but it’s because I went into hiding. But I’m afraid you’ve put myself and my colleagues into a predicament. We need to find out just who you are. Are you a potential threat or an innocent civilian. Regardless of who you are you will not be leaving here anytime soon. The only difference it’ll determine is whether you stay down here alive or buried as a dead man.”

 

Meanwhile back in the United States , Evan was on his way to school. He was starting to get tired of walking by himself though and really started to wonder what had happened to Jonathan. Last weekend they made plans to hang out but Jonathan never showed up. He tried to call a few times but only kept getting a strange automatic voice message that was recorded in some strange language. When Jonathan didn’t show up in school on Monday, Evan figured that he must have been sick. But now that the whole weed had come and gone, Evan was now starting to wonder if something serious had happened. When he got to school, he wasn’t surprised to find that Jonathan wasn’t out in the hallway or at his locker. Evan was making his way to his first class when he heard a girl call out to him. “Evan, wait up. Hold on a sec.” He turned around and saw that it was Jessica, the Jonathan’s date to prom. “Hey Evan, have you seen Jonathan around yet?”

 

“Nope, I haven’t seen him all week. He hasn’t been at school and I can’t get him on the phone.”

 

“Yeah, it’s strange. He’s never called me since he asked me out to prom and now he’s just disappeared. You don’t think he’s trying to avoid me do you? You don’t think he might have asked somebody else to prom instead maybe?”

 

“No way, Jonathan would never do that. He’d be missing a lot of school just to avoid you. I’m going to go see him today and find out what’s up though.”

 

“Well when you do, could you give him this note for me? And make sure you tell him to give me a call too. I’ve already got my dress and everything for prom and I just want to make sure we’re still going.”

 

“Alright, I’ll get it to him and I’ll let you know what the deal is.”

 

“Thanks” The bell rang and the crowd in the hallway began to dissipate into the classrooms. “Well I gotta go,” said Evan, “I’ll see you later.” Evan ran down the hall but he couldn’t shake the mystery of Jonathan’s disappearance. The question began to irk him so bad that as he made his way to the classroom, he stopped. ‘This is gonna bug me all day, I just know it.’ He thought. ‘Screw first period. I’m gonna ditch school today and find out what Jonathan is up to.’ When the hallways cleared, Evan made his way to the exit at the end of the hallway and slipped out the door. He made sure the coast was clear and darted into the woods and off school grounds. When Evan finally made it to the apartment building Jonathan lived in, he never noticed anything strange on the outside. It wasn’t until he walked through the front door that he noticed the changes. Immediately his eyes locked on a gigantic Swedish flag hanging up on the wall in the lobby. While he tried to figure out the Swedish flag, a hand grabbed his shoulder. He spun around to see a guy in a crazy uniform. “Excuse me, you have illegally crossed over out border. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to return to your country.”

 

“Return to my country? What are you talking about?”

 

“Just go back out that door.”

 

“Wait a sec, I’m here to see my friend. I don’t know what your deal is pal but you’re creeping me out.”

 

“This apartment building is now under control of the Swedish government and all it’s residents are now Swedish citizens.”

 

“Nice try man, but I’ve got a letter to deliver.” Evan continued his way through  the lobby. The Swedish guard pulled out a radio and started speaking Swedish into it. Before he knew it, Evan was in the path of 3 charging guards who seemingly came out of nowhere. He was tackled by one and two dove on top. The hit had knocked Evan’s breath out but he still continued to resist. He tried pushing them off but the three of them combined were far too heavy.

 

The next thing he knew, he was being tossed out the door and on the sidewalk. “Ow.” The guard who had tossed him out brushed his hands and said, “Stay out of our country.” Evan was still in disbelief. Surely there’s no way a single building could be annexed by a foreign country and even if it did, everybody would know about it. He walk around the corner to see if Jonathan’s bedroom window was open so he could call out to him. But as he turned the corner, he ran into a mysterious man. “Couldn’t get in, huh?” asked the man. “What’s it to you?” Evan snapped back. “I think maybe we could help each other out. You see, the both of us need to get in this building but we can’t. I’m thinking you and I should team up.”

 

“I don’t know man. I don’t even know who you are.”

 

“The name is Petey Pete McPeterson. I’m a journalist and I’m trying to get the scoop on what’s going on in this building.”

 

“Petey Pete McPeterson? Is that the best you could do for making up a name?”

 

“Cut me some slack. I’m new at this and I’m trying to catch my big break and this story right here’s gonna help me do just that. So you want to help each other or not?”

 

**What should Evan do?**

A) Team up with Petey Pete

B) Try to find his own way in